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If you’ve ever been stuck at home during the day, The Price is Right has already come and gone, and you weren’t desperate enough to watch General Hospital, odds are you saw quite a few “As Seen on TV” ads. Some of these products seemed genuinely useful in the alterna-world of infomercials where people seem incapable of opening jars or hanging clothes without a specialized tool. Hell, some of us even bought one or two of these products (I love you, Slap Chop). But God help you and have mercy on your progeny if you were the type of person who impulsively bought these things that initially seemed useful, and then later you still thought were useful — because you are obviously mentally ill. The rest of us, however, should stay away from some of the worst of these products, things like:

Famously known as The Boob Apron, the Cami Secret is the only as seen on TV product that could potentially ignite World War III if it ever saw widespread use. This is due to the fact that oogling tits comprises somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-100 percent of a man’s daily happiness. Ask a (straight) man whether he’d rather live in a war-torn post-apocalyptic hellscape, or live in a world without boobs, and you will understand the fragile underpinnings that hold society in place that the Cami Secret is trying to make even more flaccid.
Fortunately for men, women and the future of humanity in general, the Cami Secret is not only a terrible idea, it’s a straight-up shitty product. In an Internet where the average rating is 4.4-5.0+++!!!!OMGWOULDBUYAGAIN, the Cami Secret nets a kiss-of-death three stars on average at Amazon. Browsing through the comments, it seems like the most common review consists of “This product works really well as long as I don’t do anything but sit perfectly still all day”. Though perhaps men shouldn’t hate on the Cami Secret so much, given its tendency to slip out with the slightest gust of wind. After all, experts speculate that the remaining 40 to 0 percent of men’s happiness that is not derived from boobs, comes from secretly rooting for nip slips.

Designed for people who hate their dogs and also like to kick kittens and small children (allegedly), the Barkoff emits a high-pitched whistle every time it detects a bark. Sort of like the canine version of Dr. Evil’s “sh!”, this is supposed to aggravate and annoy you
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